Here I am in Florida with my mom. She made me come here after graduation (Monday). She says it's to prepare me for the real world. Now, I don't think it's really possible to prepare someone for the real world, but that's what she says. So far all she's done is ignore me mostly. Ah, just like 1990-1998.
I want to go home. I hate it here. It's too hot, I don't know anyone, I can't drive and I hate seeing all those geckos and frogs everywhere. I miss him, although I'm sure he isn't attracted to me anymore. I keep asking myself what did I do wrong. It hurts to know I can't have him. I really wanted to be with him. Every time I think about it, I just want to cry. I'm more lonely here than I was in Kentucky.
Well, it's boiling down to my last week in Hopkinsville. My mother is making me come with her to Florida. I don't want to, but she's not giving me a choice. Her computer doesn't have the programs on it that mine does. And she has AOHELL internet--a far cry from my cable connection. I'm going to go insane without Adobe Photoshop. I hope she has enough memory for me to put it and The Sims on there. I have to burn all my pictures, I can't go to my favorite galleries because it'll take forever to load, I could just cry.
Well, today was a typical Monday. I went to school and I took my SNES ROMS with me so I could play them in 1st period, and I let Wade play too.
Second period, all the preps did was talk, so we didn't really get anything done. We had Mr. Pitsch, who is the most annoying substitute ever . . .UGH.
So I got gas today. Whee, half a tank . . .I wish I had had $10 more so the needle would be on the "F" mark.
Once again I have been lost in my thoughts. I can't come to terms with who I am and accept myself the way I am . . . probably because no one else will. My family is constantly trying to change me and make me be the perfect stereotypical girl, with skimpy clothes and updos and gossiping about celebrities and guys and parties all the time. I am really just a plain girl, a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, quiet, observant . . .I'm kind of just . . .here. But my family wants me to be the girl who has half her body hanging out and tons of makeup on and that sort of thing. I was just never really comfortable wearing makeup. My face has enough acne as it is, why make it worse with makeup?
Then I go to school and all the other girls around me have on makeup and skimpy clothes and get lots of attention from guys. So I start to wonder why guys don't like me and want to go out with me, and the reply I get is that I'm too skinny. It's not like I chose my body type, really. If I did, then I'd have a porn star body, seriously. But, I didn't, so I'm a stick. And that's all I hear is accusations of anorexia and people telling me I should be a "white girl" because of my shape. I thought maybe people didn't like me and wanted to change me so much because I was different. I mean, all of my classmates think I'm weird, my former employer and former co-workers think I'm weird, even my family thinks I'm weird. I'm not weird . . .I just want to be normal, like everyone else. I don't want to be considered weird or different . . .I'm normal. Average. Boring, even.
Then all the guys I talk to are all "I like big boobs and big butts" . . .I'll never have a shape like that, I'm too skinny. So I thought, that if I could look like that, maybe guys would like me. But, I can't shell out money for surgery on my body. I'd have to get a nosejob, breast implants and butt implants, and that's money I don't have. I mean, I don't have a black girl shape, so I thought that maybe that was why black guys didn't like me. I question my attractiveness, or even my sexual desirability. Everyone else has had more sex than me, so the little flash movie says. People think I'm a prude for still being a virgin, I almost feel guilty for being one. What's so bad about keeping my body to myself? I haven't met anyone I'd particularly want to share it with. I know I'd be bombarded with guilty feelings for losing my virginity to someone outside of marriage, and I'm so afraid of the pain it will cause . . .it is that paranoia and fear that keeps my legs closed. I try to look at the positive side, because there's so much risk with sex nowadays, and I don't want to get pregnant. But at the same time, no one wants a relationship with me or even to be my prom date, which makes me question my appeal to the opposite sex. Am I really that repulsive?
I feel out of place, like I don't belong. I feel ugly and repulsive. I find it hard to think highly of myself when no one else does. I'm just so . . .boringly plain. I have no talent, I don't excel at anything, I'm just here and everyone in my family is so hell-bent on sending me away, like I'm a burden or something. If I'm that much of a burden, I should just move out and get my own place. But I lack the job to support myself. I mean, I could work full time since I get out of school at 11:30.
Physically, I'm a stick. My hair is very thin . . .why, I don't know. I wish it were thick like other girls' hair. I have no shape whatsoever, with bones sticking out everywhere. My legs look like toothpicks and make up about 3/4ths of my body. I look like a starving Ethiopian. The only thing that really has any form of meat on me at all is my breasts, and they are round instead of full like other girls', so therefore I look flat-chested. I always wanted hips. I'll probably never have any, though. So I thought that maybe guys didn't like me because of my lack of a shape.
My face . . .I have a moustache, my nose is the size of Mount Rushmore, and I have so much acne on my face that it looks like the battle of Stalingrad took place on it. My back and shoulders have scars from bacne, and I'm darker shades in certain regions . . .I wish I were the same color all over like everyone else is.
I don't want to be different anymore. I'm tired of being excluded. No one ever talks to me or wants to do anything with me. I just want to be like everyone else so I could have some friends.
I am sooo hungry. OMG food plz. Today we had an assembly where they recognized the people who had distinguised scores on the CATS test, and I was one of them and I didn't know it, so when they called my name everyone was like, "She's right here! Go get your prize!" Then some girls in the sophomore section got to fighting, so we had to go back to class. I got a coupon for some chili cheese fries at Backyard Burgers. Mmmmm. Lovin' it.
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